Jul 30, 2014

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The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly of Online Dating

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Online dating is the “New Dating”, which is why if you are a single Latina, you need to be on an online dating site! The amazing thing about online dating sites is that you just need one! While it is true that this sexy Latina is on every dating site you can think of (except the ones that clearly do not apply), I want you to know that it really just takes one. You might ask, which one? I would love to say that there is some awesome dating site that caters to the needs of today’s smart, sexy, and professional Latina, but I have yet to find it. Even so, as it stands I am meeting some amazing men from a fun, clever, and personalized one- please just search for “free online dating” and the top 5 should be helpful.

So what’s so good about online dating? Let me ask you this, how long has it been since you’ve been on a date?! Mujer, I don’t buy your, “I want marriage and children some day”, if there is no thoughtfulness and action behind this desire. No, it is not enough to go to work and come home and then think that your Principe Azul will find you while you catch up on episodes of Caso Cerrado or La Pola. How can he? He can’t. So, you must get out there! Es tu vida, live it!

The Good
There’s hundreds even thousands of prospects and I guarantee, you are exactly who someone is looking for! There’s not a lot of work involved! Once you have set up your profile, the knocks on the virtual door will keep on coming. There will be wonderful, interesting, and amazing men flocking to you- the beautiful, smart, and equally amazing Latina that you are! It is a confidence boost that all these men want to get to know you, treat you like la reina that you are, and maybe one day be the new love of your life. You get the opportunity to be proactive about something you want in your life- a good man! Start imagining having this special man in your life and believe that he is out there, because he is! Get started, because it is very GOOD:

  • Opening an account is easy (and most times FREE)
  • You choose how you want to be seen (by pics you choose & what you share)
  • You create the image of the man you want (when answering “what are you looking for?”)
  • You are in control
  • You have options, options, options!

The Bad
You were getting excited hearing about this amazing man and how you have all the options in the world, right? Here’s the thing. Like anything else, you must take the good with the bad or better yet make the most of the good that you do have. Online dating is frustrating because you will run into the non-amazing guys and you will have frustrating experiences, but that is not enough to throw out the awesome possibilities that await you! Still, the bad part about online dating is:

  • Great profile, but totally not your my type (read: unattractive)
  • Great pictures, but totally not your type (read: loser/jerk)
  • A really cute guy writes to you, but has nothing to say.
  • An amazing guy writes to you, but he mentions “sex” already?!
  • You find “the perfect man” (read: profile is everything you want to hear and he is incredibly handsome) and you write to him, but he never writes back.
  • Or he does write back, but basically disappears after the next back and forth.
  • There’s a guy you like and it seems he likes you with all the messages back and forth, but he never asks you out.
  • A decent guy with an impressive profile writes to you, but seems obsessed with getting more pictures (“Can you send me another pic!”).

The Ugly
No one likes “ugly” behavior, but it exists and I want you to be fully informed and prepared. As a grown woman, you know rejection is part of life, but it is possible that this can get ugly on online dating sites. Again, the positives for being on an online site far outweigh the negatives. There will be many occasions that you will have to reject a man that contacts you. You can choose to handle this by ignoring someone you are not interested in or by sending a quick message, “thanks, but no thanks.” Sometimes ignoring is best. This is where some men use the anonymous (you do not know his real name in most cases or how to find him) nature of these online dating sites to rip into women. Please “block” people who mistreat you. On the rare occasion, you will find ugly:

  • The man (read: immature and mean baby boy) becomes a bully and calls you insulting names
  • The man sends harassing messages to convince you that you should be interested
  • The man takes really low blows and upon being rejected retaliates with insults about your pictures or statements made in your profile

There’s more good than bad
I will always encourage my Latina sisters to be proactive in meeting someone special- that means being out in the world, enjoying life, and being the woman you want to be! Online dating is an amazing opportunity to keep being proactive, allows you to date more often which is practice and helps you see what you do want in a partner and what you definitely do not want. Online dating is about connecting, but more importantly, getting OFF LINE and meeting in person! If there is a mutual connection, you can tell a guy online, “hey when are you gonna ask me out? ;)” -yes add the WINK! You will get frustrated on this journey, but so what? Keep going and do not rule out guys just because to you they are not super hot gorgeous- think of it like this, give a guy a chance if on a scale of 1-10 he is at least a 6! Isn’t that what you would like the guy looking at you to do? And let the man step up as a man. I no longer generally write to men, but I might send a “wink” and if the only option to get his attention is writing to him, I generally say something funny and neutral related to something he wrote in his profile, but my objective is just to put myself out there without an expectation that he will respond. Why? I only want men to respond to me if they are truly interested not because they feel they have to. And that’s the kind of man you want- He is truly interested in you! So, mi’ja, get out there, online and offline! He’s waiting for you!

 

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Vicky Barrios

Vicky Barrios

Vicky is a believer in healthy love & romance, nurturing the authentic self, and loving life. She has over 12 years experience as a Therapist with a focus on children, adolescent development and family dynamics. She received her MSW from Hunter College School of Social Work and currently, she is completing her PhD in Psychology. She shares her expertise via mentoring, consulting & personal development coaching. She writes about her own experiences, lessons, and general insights on her blog, Kindness And Kisses.

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Comments

  1. There is hope out there! I found my true love online and i wasn’t even expecting more than a first date. We have been together for 2 1/2 years and so happy together. Btw, I am a lesbian, so it’s extra hard for us! If i can do it, anyone can. good luck ladies!

    • Rosanna, thanks for reading! Yes, there is hope out there! So happy to hear you found your love! I have just celebrated a few gay marriages with best friends so I know it is possible for all of us! And that’s why it is so good to hear your story! I wish you continued happiness and enduring love!

  2. I have got a better suggestion. Instead of encouraging Latinas to go out there and find a man, how about you encourage them to educate themselves and become independent?

    I just find it ridiculous that you are re-inforcing the very stereotypes present about Latina woman. That is, you are encouraging what people expect from Latinas. Instead of educating themselves on the fact that we live in a world where people do not want Latinas to be independent, self-fulfilled, knowledgeable about the history of male power, she is to go out there and find a “prince”. Other latinas that I meet are all heading for the same mythical fantasy; Go out there and find a “man” because he will complete you and you will live happily forever after.

    And what exactly is the “sexy Latina”? Are you excluding Latinas who aren’t included in this sexualized category of yours as NOT being able to date?

    I’m sorry if I seem to come off as a jerk, but your article really upset me. I seldom find articles encouraging Latinas like myself to head in alternative empowering roads instead of “go out there and find yourself a whackjob”.

    • Hi Julia,
      I messed up and put my first comment in without entering “reply”- woops! So my first comment is below this reply in response to your comment.

      I did want to add that New Latina is a great place for finding empowering articles. You can follow this link for some amazing articles that New Latina has here! http://newlatina.net/category/empowerment-2/

      Please keep sharing your voice and thanks again for what you offered.

      -Vicky

  3. Hey Julia,
    Thanks for responding. I hope that I am clear that I think that every woman deserves a partner in their lives, if that is what they want. If that’s what they want, I encourage being open to the opportunities to make this possible- online dating is one way. It can’t happen if we are not open to it. Also, when someone is ready to have a partner in their lives, my hope is that they choose wisely- I think all my Latina sisters deserve partners that will be their equal, emotionally healthy, and available to build a relationship together.

    This article is about online dating and its possibilities, but I can write an article about my stance on our need for empowering ourselves and how education is one of the most powerful ways to do so. It is!

    I am in my 5th year of doctoral work and I would not give that up for anything, but there is a balance that we all need to reach and there is something lovely about being in partnership with someone who inspires us to live our dreams and who encourages us every step of the way. And I do believe he is out there for every Latina (and she is out there too- for my lesbian Latinas).

    I consider myself beautiful and sexy and I hope that all my Latina sisters can embrace the ways they are beautiful and bring their sexy back (whenever they want- it’s about feeling good in your own skin for me)!

    I hope that helps and I will definitely consider writing another piece that speaks to the challenges that you bring up that are very real!

    -Vicky

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