Apr 16, 2014

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The Married Latina Files™ Simplify Sex in Your Head and Your Life

Sex.  The mere sight or mention of the word “sex” provokes a series of automatic mental associations and emotions:

bed.  excitement.  holding.  fear.  kissing.  pregnancy.  orgasm.  
doubt.  love.  too fat.  desired.  cheating.  dirty. tired.  happiness.  
taboo. foreplay.  shame.  sweaty.  erection. virginity. relaxed.  
porn.  frustration.  arousal.  anxiety.  sexy woman.  moaning.
commitment.  touch.  intimacy.  control.  sharing.
so on and so on…
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Undeniably, sex is a loaded word.  Everyone has a powerful personal experience with sex that defines how they feel and perceive sex.  For some, sex feels light, exciting, freeing and playful.  For others, sex feels heavy in the mind and in the heart.  If your head is cluttered with a-sexual thoughts about sex, we offer a few ways to free your mind and yourself!
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Powerful Ways to Simplify Sex

Declutter Your Mind from Negative Sex Thoughts

Letting go of the heavy thoughts and feelings you have about sex can be quite liberating.

A simple, but powerful, technique is the blackboard eraser technique.  It involves three easy steps.  Here’s all you need to do:  First, take 3 deep, slow paced breaths.  Then, close your eyes and envision your mind as a black board, spreading from one side of your mind to the other, with your sex list (of associations) written all over it.  Finally, imagine you have a good blackboard eraser.  Envision the eraser erasing the entire black board surface, from top to bottom, and side to side.  Take all the time you need to erase everything, leave nothing behind.  Nada.  Totally blank.

How do you feel?  If you did this exercise with an open mind and focus, you may experienced a sense of calm and lightness, even if just momentarily.

Redefine Sex

Sex does not need to involve intercourse all the time.  Nor does it require all the drama, the physical space or the time we normally attribute to having sex. In fact, uncomplicated intimacy works just fine, especially for couple that have been together for a while and have busy lives.  Simple intimacy means feeling close, connected and present as loving partners.  This may or may not involve holding hands, cuddling, hugging, a sensual kiss, with or without having intercourse. It’s all up to you.  Sex is what YOU make it.  So go ahead and grab a chalk.  Envision writing the words closeness, connected and present on your clean mental blackboard…

Practice Intimacy, Any Time, Any Day

Below is a list of simple ways to achieve intimacy, without the drama, without the need for a bed, or a ton of time.

1.  Hug your partner

When was the last time you hugged your partner?  I mean, belly-to-belly, hands-over-the-waist or shoulder, type of hug, with your head resting on your partner’s shoulder…
A deep hug is a great way to feel connected to your partner. and experience a savory moment of intimacy.  The longer the hug, the better and the more comforting.
Warning:  Do not be the first one to let go of the embrace.  And do not feel rejected when your partner wants to end it.  Find ways to make the hug last — hold tighter or say “I love you”, to make the hug last.

2.  Hold your partner’s hands

Remember the early days of dating?  Holding hands was such a natural part of the relationship.   Bring it back.  Wherever you are, reach out and hold your partner’s hand, for as long as possible.  You may feel weird or a bit funny at first, but don’t worry —  those feelings dissipate rather quickly.

3.  Kiss on the lips!

An extended, unhurried kiss can do magic.  And if it must be a quick kiss, try to hold your partner’s hand, or hold their face with your hands, or touch their hair.  You know exactly what to do… to make the moment feel intimate.

4.  Make good eye-contact with your partner and smile

The eyes are indeed the window into our souls.  Take a few seconds to appreciate your partner, to see beyond, to embrace through the eyes.  And, don’t forget to smile, even if just for a moment.

5.  Touch with your words

A simple, genuine and loving comment can feel quite intimate.  In the midst of everyday life, you can take advantage and express what you’re feeling.  If you love the way your partner is so hands on with the kids, say it (I love you so much when I see what a great father you are…).  If your partner gets a haircut and he looks sexy to you, don’t hesitate to say exactly that (Honey, that haircut makes you look SO sexy to me…).  The point here is — be mindful of the positive feelings or thoughts you experience around your partner, and make those fully known to him/her.

The Likely End Result

When sex is simplified in our minds, and the focus is shifted towards creating moments of intimacy, the likely result is feeling closer, more connected and present —  all the necessary ingredients for an enjoyable, unplanned moment of good sex some other time soon.

 

 

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Angélica Pérez-Litwin

Angélica Pérez-Litwin

Dr. Perez-Litwin is the Founder & CEO of ELLA Leadership Institute, a multi-platform professional development organization designed to advance the careers and leadership of women. She's the creative force behind the LATINAS THINK BIG™ national tour, sponsored and live-streamed by Google.

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