Sep 02, 2014

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What to Expect From Dating a Married Man – Ouch!

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In light of the recent scandals of infidelity by high profile figures, we pose the following question:

What should you expect if you’re dating a married man?

Any, or all of these, should answer that question:

Nothing. Women who date married men often believe that they’re entitled to more from these men because they’re going beyond moral ethics to show their love and commitment.  Not so.  In his eyes, he owes you nothing.

Lots of promises. Relationships laced with infidelity often get stuck in a waiting-until-he-does-this-or-that period.  The relationship is prolonged by unfounded promises which, in reality, are illusions.  Do you really believe he’s going to undo his marriage? — go through the social, familial, economic and emotional unraveling that a divorce can cause?  Humm…

A Self-Absorved Guy: For most men, part of the enticement of being in a relationship outside their marriage, is experiencing the “I am King of the Land” feeling.  Having another woman’s attention and perceived unconditional love is good medicine for a guy with a weak ego.

Lies and Made Up Stories: Ever wonder why most married men pursuing you have a sad story to share about their marriage?  ”We haven’t had sex for the past 5 years…”  ”I haven’t been in love with my wife in years…but she’s very ill…I can’t leave her now.” Pobrecito.  If you hear a story like this one, run as far as you can.

Being #2: Regardless of what he tells you under the covers, when you’re la otra, you are number 2 (or maybe number 3!).  Are you OK with being #2?

Lots of Tainted Gifts: Oh, the gifts…the jewelry, the wine bottles, the trips to expensive hotels, the shopping sprees.  But before unwrapping your gifts, know that these are tainted with guilt, remorse and sometimes manipulation.  Oh, and don’t forget the gifts come from his wife, too.  As his legal wife, his finances are shared equally — so she’s paying 50% of the cost of that expensive perfume he gave you for Christmas.

What to do if you’re dating a married man?

Ask yourself “Why” – a simple question, with a big, complicated answer.  Don’t know where to start?  Talk to a trusted, wise friend, and educate yourself on issues of infidelity.  If being in this type of relationship is emotionally consuming you, don’t hesitate to seek professional counseling to explore what’s going on.

Be Skeptical: Don’t believe or trust everything he says, promises or shows you.

Believe in yourself: Don’t you deserve better?  More?  Why settle by sharing a man?  Why not have a man all to yourself?

Just Do It: These types of relationships have an addictive component, sprinkled with the thrill of secrecy.  But if you’re tired of waiting, feeling stuck, or kept in the dark, you’ll need to just do it — empower yourself by ending the relationship — before you’re the one dropped like a shoe.  It won’t be easy at first, but it will surely give you the power you’ve never had in this relationship.

photo: source

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Angélica Pérez-Litwin

Angélica Pérez-Litwin

Dr. Perez-Litwin is the Founder & CEO of ELLA Leadership Institute, a multi-platform professional development organization designed to advance the careers and leadership of women. She's the creative force behind the LATINAS THINK BIG™ national tour, sponsored and live-streamed by Google.

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Comments

  1. Dios mio. the stories i’ve heard… and sadly i’ve almost been in one, right at the end of the marriage–bout 12 years ago, and even then I tried to justify it by “well, the papers are filed,” which was in fact true… but it still wasn’t the right thing to do… i’ve had friends tell me everything you listed out and find every excuse under the sun to stay in the doomed relationship! Have you heard of that site that’s gotten national attention for hooking up married people and promotes infidelity!!?! locura. Great post.

    • Hi Bren, Yes, I have heard of the site for married people. In fact, there are several of them, and quite successful.

      Why do you think women date and get involved with married men?

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